AuthorRalf

I tried to imitate
that prior elation. 
But I ended up 
culminated in chagrin. 

The night is not 
the same anymore, 
never before was it 
as alienated as in 
these rigid days. 

Yesterday I was waiting, 
today I am waiting and 
tomorrow I will be waiting – 
for the lightness that even 
summer did not bring.

I am preparing
my tomorrows.
But with every dawn
I am too afraid 
that yesterday’s planning 
was not enough 
for today.

In these days
my emotions arise
all at once – 
for I cannot grasp 
what occurs my mind.
I am dazed by myself,
my sensing halted.

I cannot feel, 
I am not present 
in this here and now, 
the stride overhauls 
me every single day. 

Behind it this life 
drags me along.

Today passes by, 
just like yesterday 
and the day before, 
like every day 
in these days also 
tomorrow will likely 
elapse from my mind.

So, I am ok.

Abandonment
is my deepest fear.
When I feel lonely 
the sirens chant and
evoke my loop of gloom. 
In my head they perform 
all the nightmares.
Clothed in ugliest masquerade 
with dreadful grimaces
I‘m forced to join in 
their spiteful chants
I look down on myself
and I abandon myself.
I lost all control.

All at once I‘m hurled to
the other side of the throb.
Overabundance seeped away,
and overindulgence ruptured.
Elation yielded to the morning after.
This temper of perpetual sundays 
coffered me in a limbo of sobriety 
where abandonment is pervasive.
I still remember the guarding dark, 
in its embrace I used to close 
my eyes and confide to the charm 
of the night poised from fascination.
Where once I undammed my lust, 
fell for the frenzy to release 
all inhibition until dawn.

I’m leaving it ajar, just in case.
I have this backdoor to always 
keep a veiled way out.
For I never get engaged.
instead I conform to fit in.
Hence, I neglect my feelings
my desires are invisible – 
in the pursuit of belonging. 
For I cannot trust others.
I’ve been told that people only 
ever want to do me harm.
So I never get completely 
emotionally attached to anyone.
For I want to please everyone.
My own value is only the sum 
of all expectations of me.
To be recognized, to be loved 
I leave my true self behind.
For I’m not worth anything if 
I can’t please everyone.
I never please myself, 
I cannot identify my feelings,
I cannot express my needs.
I’m leaving it ajar, just in case. 
I have this backdoor to always 
keep a veiled way out
to crawl back inside myself.

Whenever I try not 
to think my thoughts 
are becoming the loudest.

My sirens appear, 
their deafening chants 
dim my sentiments, 
they captivate my being,
through a bullhorn they 
evoke sheer inferiority
I cannot defy.

I demean myself
again and again and 
more and more, 
I am not worth 
anything, to no one.
I am inferior.

Fighting the sirens 
is fighting myself and
every day my old self
succumbs their drowning 
calls a little more.

He came up to me,
he looked at me, 
he desired me,
he aroused me,
he sparked in me 
a lust long sealed.

He kissed me,
he undressed me,
he touched me gently,
he unfolded sensuality
all over my body,
he revived in me
a desire long faded.

Then I look at him, 
our gazes intertwine. 
I embrace him and
receive him within me.

I confide into the fusion
with this stranger‘s body.
Relief bursts out of me,
exhausted and alone I fall 
back to the cold ground.

Far too often we 
merely think in either-or 
it is either you or me 
me or you. 
Can I have it both, 
me and you – 
you and me? 
Maybe if we dupe the ego 
that favors me over you.